Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Monday, October 3, 2011
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Post-30 days of lists blogging
Damn dirty humans. Writing is embarrassing. The meaning comes from the ancient custom of baring one's ass. I feel embarrassed for writing that. And that... Why do I feel so ashamed of anything I say? All I can hear is this voice saying, "stupid..pretentious...show-offy...boring...predicable...cliche..." and can imagine that collection of faces on my facebook 'friends' list rolling their eyes, and I want to just erase the whole thing..and boo hoo, poor me. But then I feel like "fuck you, eye rollers", you don't know me!! Who are you to judge me?! Who cares what I say? If you don't like it fuck off....And what's the point? Why do I have to write anything? Cause I have this insecure need to prove myself? Cause I think that writing is to my brain, what running is to my lungs? That it'll make me smarter, like exercise makes me stronger? And why do I need to be smarter? So, I can't be taken advantage of and I can take advantage of others?
And why not write? The eye-rollers and haters'll be doing their stupid fucking short-sighted catty eye-rolling at something else and worrying about their own image, so what do I care what they think? And why do I have fucking eye'rollers for friends and why do they have me for a friend, if I can't be myself around them? Do they just want to keep tabs on others? I don't think I can help it much, caring what they think. I think it's hard-wired. But I have this strange hypothesis I want to test that says, if I keep on writing, I'll get better at it. And I don't think I will find myself. I don't think there is a self to find, like this mythical hide-and-go-seek game. But I think if I keep on writing, and take on the embarrassment of doing it publicly it's get easier and less embarrassing, and that'll make it easier to act on other things I want to do but don't cause of my fear of that little imaginary half-crescent of eye whites.
So, I feel compelled to get this out of me..this revulsion for my paranoid real or imaginary critics and their real or imaginary voices and faces and the inhibitory effects you have on me. If you disagree with something I have to say, or think I'm pretentious, I don't mind you saying so, but before you say some generic idiotic response, think about what exactly it is about what I said or did that bothers you and be specific and be prepared to defend it otherwise FUCK OFF!
And to any real or imaginary friends I may have, please excuse this little rant, I just want to clear those assholes out of my head first. And if you actually read this far, thanks. I'm the one publishing this, I can't control what people say or think or read about it or anything so I guess it doesn't really have anything to do with me, does it?
And why not write? The eye-rollers and haters'll be doing their stupid fucking short-sighted catty eye-rolling at something else and worrying about their own image, so what do I care what they think? And why do I have fucking eye'rollers for friends and why do they have me for a friend, if I can't be myself around them? Do they just want to keep tabs on others? I don't think I can help it much, caring what they think. I think it's hard-wired. But I have this strange hypothesis I want to test that says, if I keep on writing, I'll get better at it. And I don't think I will find myself. I don't think there is a self to find, like this mythical hide-and-go-seek game. But I think if I keep on writing, and take on the embarrassment of doing it publicly it's get easier and less embarrassing, and that'll make it easier to act on other things I want to do but don't cause of my fear of that little imaginary half-crescent of eye whites.
So, I feel compelled to get this out of me..this revulsion for my paranoid real or imaginary critics and their real or imaginary voices and faces and the inhibitory effects you have on me. If you disagree with something I have to say, or think I'm pretentious, I don't mind you saying so, but before you say some generic idiotic response, think about what exactly it is about what I said or did that bothers you and be specific and be prepared to defend it otherwise FUCK OFF!
And to any real or imaginary friends I may have, please excuse this little rant, I just want to clear those assholes out of my head first. And if you actually read this far, thanks. I'm the one publishing this, I can't control what people say or think or read about it or anything so I guess it doesn't really have anything to do with me, does it?
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